I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
