You just made me feel so damn special
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
