non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
