I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
