HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
