I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
