And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
operation have a gay friend backfired
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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