I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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