I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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