You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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