She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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