I want to have your abortion
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
