How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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