he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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