By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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