so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
