you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
