Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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