so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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