Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You are a genius and a whore.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
