Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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