I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
