Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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