why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
