Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
