my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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