Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
