I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
