8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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