the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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