My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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