What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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