I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
