How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
