DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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