Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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