I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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