I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
