I can tuck mytits in my pants
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
