plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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