i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
