saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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