Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
