I got chris browned last night
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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