My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize