you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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