I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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