my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
