i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
