I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
