his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
