My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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