all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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