Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
