it was like his penis was on wheels.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
