I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize