Sry I called you an 8
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
