All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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