Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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