BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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