I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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