The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
